Oh look... my blog is still here.

Perhaps it is just old age and a faltering memory... but, I had almost forgotten about this blog. I was reminded about blogging as a blogger whom I followed for a time years back passed away. Dooce was a mommy blogger and so much more. She had transitioned out of the cult, and I was just beginning to deal with my own apostasy at the time. She was a brutally honest blogger and she was open about her struggles with depression. I have attempted to keep my own depression in the background of my life. I have struggled with it since I was a tween. Suicidal ideation grips me frequently in long dark winters of Utah. This past winter was as brutal winter as I have every endured. I am just beginning to recover a degree of sanity. 

 But that is not what I wish to pontificate on today. Today is about retirement. The wife an I have decided that I may retire after the next school year. I am a school psychologist... just as a refresher. Next year will be my thirtieth year with the district. I must say... I am burned out. Too much baggage has accumulated mentally throughout the years. Too many memories of the struggles students have laid at my feet during sessions in which I attempted to decrease their pain and burdens. The mind boggles at what happens to many children behind closed doors. It has been easy to become cynical about mankind. I have some reality checks that are there every day to challenge my cynicism. The most moral and decent human being I have ever known lives with me; and shares my happiness, grief, pain, and joy. Also, my co-worker. The other school psychologist I work with is as altruistic a person as I have ever known. She is dedicated to the health and well being of others. Everyone else I know (most of all myself) is egocentric and selfish. Nietzsche's "bungled and botched" we are.

Patience was never my virtue.  I am anxious in my anticipation of things both positive and negative. I can't tell you how many times I lied to professors so that I could take a final exam early to stop the stress of it.  How many times, as a child, that I carefully unwrapped and re-wrapped xmas presents under the tree.  Sneaky I was.  I find myself feeling the same about my retirement.  I have already pushed it back 3 times in the past 5 years. I really should have stuck with my plan to retire at the end of this school year.  With just two weeks left I am ready to call in sick and be done.  And, right now, the idea of going a whole other year is painful to ponder.  I liken it to the end of a marathon.  I remember running the last 6 miles.  Body was in pain and completely exhausted.  It was purely a mental game at the end.  Just keep moving. Just keep the feet going forward. My problem is that I have moved the metaphorical retirement finish-line willingly another mile up ahead.  What the fuck is my problem?  It is too late to announce a retirement for this year and I am stuck.  Thing is... the wife and I are financially "independent."  We don't need more money. I am, essentially, working for a specific retirement benefit offered by the school district.  This involves them providing 4 years of health insurance coverage in retirement.  Its about 45,000 worth of benefit.  Thing is, we can afford to purchase our own policy.  I just hate the american healthcare scam, and refuse to pay for an overpriced medical marketplace that is useless and corrupt.  I haven't been to a physician in over 10 years. And if the misses didn't need coverage I would just pay as I went.  But the wife needs her yearly breast exams (with thousands of dollars in follow-ups because that is how it always goes).  I would love to move to panama, or mexico, or somewhere warm as an ex-patriot.  The USA if really a pretty shitty country anymore.  We lead the world in three things: 1- number of guns per capita, 2- number of people who believe in angels, and 3- number of brainwashed citizens who are too stupid to see fascism because its wrapped in the flag and carrying the bible.  Unfortunately the wife isn't moving anywhere.  And if she ain't moving... I ain't moving. Yes.. I am a little bitter.

I quit drinking about 4 years ago.  It was getting ahead of me.  Also, I was hiding much of my drinking from my wife.  The damage dishonesty does to a relationship that matters can be devastating.  I really thought ,on my last day of drinking, that it was going to end my wonderful marriage. Turns out I only miss it from time to time now. Drinking has impacted my son's life in the recent past.  I passed along too much to my precious boy.  Guilt.  

I think of DOOCE.  She struggled with drinking and depression.  In the end they both won the final battle, as she and her family lost the war.  She won't get a chance to retire.  She won't worry about healthcare and her marriage. She won't see her grandchildren grow. I will.  Goodbye Dooce. Thanks for your blog.  Thanks for your words. Thanks for shared experiences and pain.  Rest in peace.