Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Empty Nest..

Well, the kids are out of the house and on thier own. Its quiet now. Clutter is gone... silence is frequent... stress reduced. I must say, its quite lovely most of the time. Yet, there are moments when the open drawers, messy counters, clothes and blankets strewn about the living room, conversations yelled from floor to floor, and simple morning hugs leave a sad vaccuum of temporal moments. Nah... its fucking awesome! HH =)
Blogging has been a recent estuary for the intellectuals of the world. A safe place to ascribe thoughts and whimsy. Many of my fellow bloggers have faded into chalk dust. Yet... Today it feels like a day to post. Today is a day to allow the intensity of reality flood through, and unbridle the binded colt biting for the bit of freedom. Life is... err... complicated. It has never lead where the path appeared to go in the distance (no matter how clear the vision appeared to be). Hope has always been a St. Elmo's fire in my life. Nothing has been as dreamt or wanted. Thus, peace has never been found, and harmony a lost hope. What is left? What is there to long for? What is it that drives us on? I have no idea. Ironically... I am supposed to have "an idea." It's what I was trained for. What my graduate days of intense study were for... What my clients come to me for. I have nothing but a jot and tittle of axioms that have offered me moments of clam reflection and docile solace. I feel like a fraud. There are questions that others are not ready to ask. I have asked them. There are answers which provide no peace or joy. I am fine with this. There are concepts not yet even discovered by our most advanced scientific minds. This provides an umbrella in the rainstorm of daily existence. Tossed and hit by the tumult of chaotic empirical entropy. To be blunt... life sucks. If were not for my amazing wife, and adorable puppy existence would be "unsatisfying." Now.. I am not going to walk into a lake. Nor, am i sticking my head in a gas oven. But I posture here a cynic. One who believes this is all a cosmic joke. One who has learned the rules that are real... followed them... and sees the pointlessness in it all. Life is a serendipitous wasteland. We are marionettes whose strings are pulled by other marrionettes who's strings are, in turn, pulled by capricious puppeteers who rarely dawdle in their craft. Universal acid (as Dennett writes) pours over all life, over time, and allows only those who are basic to survive (no matter how minimally). Emptiness... Pointlessness... obscurity... abjuration. These are the motives that draw me to blog today. The need to spew against a wall and see a pattern upon it. Superstition and adventitiousness? This may have helped. My stressors are also stressed themselves. Or... perhaps a simple nap? HH =)

Tuesday, April 09, 2013


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!! stop... Please ignore. Thanks HH

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Another quaint thing..

Being unable to state specifics is, often, the most troubling of things about blogging. We have the right to expose ourselves in any written way we wish. However, we do not have the capacity, or right to infringe upon others privacy and confidences. It is another's privacy I wish to vent upon. Screaming would be cathartic I think. Alas, it is out of bounds. I watch this other person suffer and have little ability to abate the pain. I can caress, cajole, rationalize, and chat... but, there is nothing which can reduce the suffering which is apparent and inflicting pain on the other. Belief in humanity is failing me now. The beastliness of our dog-eat-dog world wears the walls of optimism upon my mind. Drip by drip of realities watery wear leaves me thinned and cynical. The unjust nature of nature lends more credibility to the axiom that ration and reason are the only guides which lead anywhere worth landing. The pain of "other" impales me. Futility consumes me. The ubiquity of the paradox enthralls me. For the moment, at least, I am floating in the Ether. Emotion feels like weakness. SH (Stoic Heretic)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sibling rivalry???

The wife and I are visiting the father, and step mother. They are really good people. In the middle of the conversation father looks at moi and says (to the effect), "have you heard about Jeff (older brother)?"
My look must have appeared disconcerted.

He states, "he was made BISHOP... of a student ward."

My thoughts ran the line of "I thought someone had died, and this is what I get???"

"Didn't your mother tell you?", he queried in gleeful disquiet.

That is when I knew that the brainwashing was completely undone. I was aghast that anybody would find such a thing "wonderful, and of good report." I just felt sad for my brother. All the burden, and no benefit. His assimilation to the MORG was complete. Never, will he have an enlightened epiphany... never will he shout out with intense orgasmic pleasure... highly doubtful he will savor a rational independent discovery. This just made my heart hurt a little (perhaps kitties cried? One never knows the extent to which stupidity effects the ripple of causality).

Even though for me the god question has been answered, the depth of human gullibility is an intellectual chasm that I shall, inevitability, never breech.

I truly have evolved. My twenty-plus years of mental programming has finally been undone. Reality is sweet. Mythos no longer hold sway within the context of my understanding.


HH =)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Quick funny

In a small Texas town, (Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business.. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

HH. =)

Monday, May 09, 2011

Fading of an era...

The oldest moved 10 miles away into his first apartment. He has yet to graduate from High school, but he has certainly earned the right to be treated like an adult with the capacity to make reasoned and thoughtful decisions. As he was packing, hauling, and unpacking there was an apexed sense of fatherhood pride.

"Job well done Happy," was my simple thought.

Later, the wife and I moved his bed, vacuumed, and dusted a much emptier room inside our home. I looked at her, and she returned the glance. The eye contact was more than she could bear. Tears seeped down her cheek. I chuckled at her awkwardly. And, then a large lump filled my throat. in that moment our little blond boy who, when 3 years old could not sommersault over his enormous head shot through my minds eye. He would put his head down on the ground, straighten his short legs, and roll to his right. Melancholy hit me like a cannonball. I was suddenly overcome with grief. The relationship with my son has forever changed. He no longer "needs" me.

What will he think of the old man now? Where do I fit in this wonderful young man's life? The charge of being the shaper, changer, cons equator, and protector of a young life is dimming quietly. As this era fades, and the curtain falls, what role changes will the next act bring? As the young man I love so much stands center stage in this play that is his own life, when and where wil my entrances and exits be?

Pride... fear... uncertainty... friendship... indifference...loss...joy...anxiety...solitude -- end scene


Thursday, May 05, 2011

Gadgets and technology

I am typing this on my new bluetooth keyboard. Nice to have some Kinisthetic feedback again. The IPAD is now perfect! You can see what I have at this LINK

pretty damn kewl!

HH =)